Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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