A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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