you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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