im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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