just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
