I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
