it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
