look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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