sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
They have beer where we have blood.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
