My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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