I am puke
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
