I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
