I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
