TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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