Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
