And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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