I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
