I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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