My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
