Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
