It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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