whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
