a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
