She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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