last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
