They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
