I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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