I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
