Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
