god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
