He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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