Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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