In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
