ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
