I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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