i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
