all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
