I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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