one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
