i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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