Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
