Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
