My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
