We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
