Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
