Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
