i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
