Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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