Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
