I am spending my child support on dildos
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I need to calm my uterus...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
